What Do You Do With a Spouse Who is Continuously Ill
I've been in my current relationship with my girlfriend for about fifteen months and I love her very much. I feel like she is the first person who actually loves me for being me, instead of me feeling I need to put on a show to please someone. At the start of our relationship, everything was perfect.
Over the past six months, my girlfriend has been diagnosed with a handful of chronic illnesses and I feel like it's ruining our relationship. It feels as if all she ever talks about is how she's currently feeling or how a new study shows her illnesses are actually worse than first thought - any time I mention I'm feeling under the weather, it's compared to her illnesses.
Another aspect is our sex life - before this all started, we enjoyed an extremely active sex life which is now 'scheduled' on a Friday, but usually she's in too much pain to want this. Recently this almost pushed me to the point of cheating. I'm very glad to say I didn't - but the intent was there because of my situation.
I'm also struggling to adapt to the responsibilities that I'm required to undertake. If at any point I drop the ball on any sort of task or if I query something, I'm hit with the verbal accusation that 'you do not understand what it feels like', with which I completely agree, but I am trying.
It feels to me as if my girlfriend has not once stopped to consider my feelings throughout this ordeal, and I don't feel like I can talk to her about it - or anyone else for that matter.
Over the past two months or so I have started to realise that bottling up all this is making me extremely unhappy. I love my girlfriend but it's becoming exhausting to be in this relationship.
This is painful isn't it. For the first time, you feel you're with someone who really understands you. You feel committed and love her unreservedly. As you say, things have been perfect. Now, it's changed. You're being asked to focus on something you hadn't bargained for and it's getting in the way of the perfect relationship.
Illness and all the associated stress and anxiety is usually an exhausting business for everyone involved and from what you say, it's taken over your relationship. Many people would empathise with your dilemma. It sounds like your girlfriend is struggling as much as you are though. I can imagine that her diagnoses have felt devastating to the point that she's continually trying to make sense of it all and what it means now and in the future. It's very common for people to become almost obsessed with the constant search for new information and opinion on problems like this without also recognising that they may be creating significant relationship issues by doing so. But to be honest, it almost sounds like it's become a competition as to whose needs are going to get acknowledged the most and it's this bit that needs dealing with first.
While it's understandable that your girlfriend can only hear her own voice at the moment, you really do need to find a way to make yourself heard. I can imagine that you may feel this is difficult because the moment you try to raise your head above the parapet, she sees this as being uncaring because, as you say, you don't have as much on your plate as she does. So, you need to be bold. The first thing I would suggest is that you make sure when she's talking about her own needs that you acknowledge them. So often, one of the biggest barriers to opening up a different conversation is that neither party feels they are being properly heard. This basically means that they feel the need to say it all over again in the vain hope that someone else sees where they're coming from. I appreciate that you've been sympathetic so far, but sympathy alone is not really what most people are looking for. Try putting yourself in her shoes, as far as you can, which may mean that you need to hone your listening skills so she sees that you really are hearing her rather than just waiting for your turn to speak. Your girlfriend may well be feeling powerless in the face of her ill-health and one of the ways that people sometimes deal with this is to become bossy and argumentative. In my experience, this is usually covering up fear, misery and loss for what might have been – perhaps the very same things that you yourself are struggling with.
The second thing you have to do is to startbelievingthat you can actually raise your concerns about your relationship with her. It's likely to be painful because up until now, from what you say, you've not had to deal with anything remotely serious together and so probably haven't had a chance to develop the necessary negotiation skills that can help when trouble strikes. You can start this by making sure you use 'I' statements, rather than sounding as if you're accusing her for being unwell. I know she will find it difficult to hear but sticking with the 'I feel we're really missing what we had and I'd like to talk with you about this' is so much more effective than the 'you're driving me crazy with all your demands and I'll scream if you tell me to read another article/book on it'. Even if you're not saying this, she probably knows you're feeling it and like you, she's probably just as scared about what this all means for your relationship as you are.
The other bit to this is to recognise that in even in a committed relationship, problems will come and go. They might be to do with health, money, family, work, kids –whatever it is, feeling overwhelmed and upset for what's been lost sometimes simply means you have to find a new way forward together. That's tough and not all relationships will be able to navigate such choppy waters, despite everyone's best efforts. Maybe you both have to accept that even without the health issues, moving out of the perfect honeymoon period was always going to happen at some point. It's sad that you both have to confront these problems so early in your relationship but at least you know what you have to deal with. Deciding on whether you want that for yourself is another matter and it may be that couple counselling could be a way of helping each of you to understand the other better. This could potentially help you to negotiate what you need from each other and whether or not it can be supplied. Relationships aren't perfect but they can be rich in many ways that allow for the occasional selfish perspective. Being able to put yourself first sometimes is a necessary ingredient for any relationship but this has to be something you can agree on collectively when necessary.
It sounds like you're both at the beginning of a long journey and I sense from your letter that while you love her, it's difficult to acknowledge that this relationship might not now be for you. Sometimes things turn out like this. It doesn't make you a bad person just because you might want to leave. At the moment, you're both trying to work out what all this means and it's possible that once you're both more familiar with the terrain, you can negotiate a way forward which means that you each get your needs met some of the time. But this takes practice. I would really encourage you to get some professional help to explore what's possible. Maybe her conditions will get better, maybe they'll stay the same or get worse. Whatever happens, you have a life to lead that's as important as hers so make sure, as far as you can, that you want the same things. If you decide it's not going to work for you then leave. It may feel difficult to do but it'll do neither of you any good if you end up feeling as if you're the one always having to make the allowances. But a word of caution. As humans, we do have a tendency to idealise and romanticise couple relationships. You may not necessarily have the same issues but most likely, there will be ones of similar enormity. As I've said, relationships aren't perfect but they are precious. Sometimes, muddling along together with a bit of sex here and there can feel just as fulfilling as the honeymoon period. It's just different but no less valuable.
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Ammanda Major is a sex and relationship therapist and our Head of Service Quality and Clinical Practice
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Source: https://www.relate.org.uk/get-help/my-partner-has-chronic-illness
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